this is the first thanksgiving i've spent with a family that was in no way a portion of my extended family. it was easier than a holiday in texas--i'm certain of that after talking with my littlest brother. i always end up feeling like a dancing bear or some kind of silly monkey. like "oh, look over here. laugh at this. don't notice my mother falling apart over there." right.

read an article on the manipulation of perception today. a business major would call it something less 1984-sounding, like "brand management" or something. i like it, not as a new idea--images and ideas have been distorted as a means to an end before, but i wonder if deception always has to be on the evil side of things. binary models are far too simple--fe/male, good/evil, us/them.

those with tenure at my job seem to engage in the same thing for the gain of the non-profit. always keeping the growth of the group in mind. for instance, the organization doesn't have a position on the war. too sticky. too partisan (previously anyhow.) but there's no truth in the lack of opinion there. it's just manipulation of image by omission rather than outright deception. this relationship that the staff, jr and sr, has to the organization begins to seem a bit more corporate--by corporate, i mean individualized (by law and image) like the structure we work in has its own ideas, detatched from ours.

i still haven't decided how i feel about this.

on one hand, i find the whole thing interesting as a thought experiment, but that doesn't quite mean i'm ready to see it play out. on the other hand, perhaps it's practical (not my favorite way to answer any question--not outloud anyway--but then, when did this journal start feeling more outloud?) and of course, really, the tension is between me and the structure i'm constrained by most acutely. at the moment it happens to be my job (also one of the most rewarding things i've done) rather than my college, my location on the planet, my government or whatever else can be conceptualized as the imposition of some outside structure on me and my ideas/actions/etc.

so, at the heart of all my prattle is something not profound in the least: i'm trying to reconcile myself and the world around me.

i'm starting a quilting row. it may become more circle-like when there are more than two of us. i'm into it.