public speaking is supposedly more feared by people than death.

i'm not really bad at it, really--but once i so much as think "blush" it's over. and so there i am: in my wool sweater, turning pinker and pinker--and not in any uniform way--even my wrists were blushing. and this was before i started speaking.

let's just stop there. reliving makes me cringe.

to be clear, the blushing is a function completely divorced from any feelings i have about public speaking. i rather enjoy a large group of people focusing on me. so i don't know what it is. or how to fix it.

all i could think about today, while my blotches hotter and hotter, was that the problem with blushing is that it elicits pity from people. if something else happened, like if my skin changed texture (like a puffer fish), people wouldn't give me sympathy eyebrows.