drank wine on a playground last night with chandler. trading stories about mothers and lovers and mostly just things far away. she's a surprise, that girl. to think i once described her as 'the quiet one in jr sem...with the cute shoes.' quiet my foot! but that's why we make good friends. contradiction is something we both understand intimately.

my thesis books are all stacked, staring at me. i've got to start work. if only i could stop daydreaming. mostly about snuggling up next to that boy and falling asleep. funny, i'm so out of the make-out loop that my fantasies no longer even involve sex of any kind. the only affection i really want involves an arm around my waist, a hand on my side, whispering and sleeping. i suppose hugs outside the library have to suffice. in order to get that kind of physical affection-and this is why i'm so far out of the makeout loop-i find a girl often has to trade sex. or maybe i just feel like i do.

i feel a little bit like one of those baby monkeys in psychology experiments. you know, the sad ones clutching raggedy dolls that the scientists gave them in place of their mommies? all hunched in a corner wanting nothing more than to be groomed. i just want someone to groom me! i wonder if that pick up line would work at a bar...