hadn't checked my phone in days. trying to avoid precisely the kind of message that i heard this morning.

[james saying: "this is a shock. i don't know why. this is so sudden"]

it's comical and infuriating. how can he not understand? but at the same time, that's symptomatic of our problems. permanent miscommunication. or he just wasn't listening, but that's an argument i can have with myself on another day.

i've been asking my heart whether or not i care, whether or not i want to put forth the effort to maintain a friendship, much less a relationship. the answer surprises me. compared to where i was 6, 9, 12 months ago, anyway.

right now, i want deep friendships, long conversations and, in the realm of boys, tender interactions. i don't need aggression like jmz's in my life; i have enough of my own. it helps that i've discovered people who possess different vices and virtues.

okay, i'm going to watch my dance performance in the media center. i think, had it been an official competition (everything's an unofficial competition), my group would have won. picture: abstract dance peices to neurosis and matmos (the surgery noises). it was killer.