dear diary,

today i broke one heart (i still cannot tell if it is my own or someone else's), cried because i am scared for my mother's mental health (and my own by extension), bit all my fingernails off, apologized when i did not mean it and turned in a shoddy lit review.

all of these things seem like they should combine to make one terrible mood. but they do not. one hug from my friend, silly haikus and a boy who smiles at me all crooked and nervous-like made me feel like all of these events and feelings exist outside myself. i can just watch 'em happen.

the light outside is in that 20 minute place when everything looks a little bit like its glowing. like the light got all stuck inside the leaves. i smoked a cigarette with a crooked-smiling boy outside and i hoped that i'm like that. not to him, necessarily, though that would be a good first step.

all at once i feel needy and rabidly independent. i'm still trying to figure out how to make myself one thing even though i house all these opposites. i've given up trying to take away one side or the other or even to balance them. i think i'm made for extremes. which is frightening in light of my mother's severe manic-depression.