And so i miss my friends in houston. aaron mostly.

I had a hard morning.

I went to drink coffee with Claire, and we saw a girl from Reed. Sat down with her. Turns out she's dropped out. And she's a hooker now. But...more than that...she's a heroin addict with an 80 dollar a day habit.

Fuck, and I think I had a hard morning. But it was.

I talked to her. I gave her my number, said to call for anything. It reminded me of Aaron. I feel such grave responsibility to love people that have so much to carry around. And not to change them. I never asked Aaron to stop shooting. I never will. I know, maybe I just think, that all I can give is my understanding and friendship without judgment. I hurt so much for her. Empathy is a dangerous thing, I think. But I have so much of it for certain kinds of people. I don't know why I'm like that, but it always has been that way. It's one of the only times I feel honest, with myself, and not manipulative in the slightest. When I offer my heart in that way, without any judgment or anything but itself. Does that make sense? I know so many people don't know why I love Aaron, but he is my brother in that he has my heart unconditionally. It hurts me, this empathy. I want to cry for her, and I don't even know her. I just saw her eyes, and I saw the way her eyelashes look against her sick skin, and my heart just leaps out of my throat into my coffee cup.

i wrote that earlier, in an email to the boy who knows me best. i haven't ever put all that into words, but confronted today with something that elicited feelings i didn't quite grasp i had to figure it out.

and so there it is.