back in the saddle again...or the library, depends on how i want to imagine myself this evening. i prefer the saddle imagery.

there was an orange flower on my thesis desk today. almost as strange as the I Saw U i got last week ("Little Maggie at Reed College: I see you everyday. Let's hold hands..." needless to say, i've not called to find out who it is). i'm either being stalked or somehow people find my dour disposition appealing. says more about them than me i suppose, whoever they are.

i'm handling things pretty well right now. i can either fall apart and let my chin quiver all day and let my heartcrack keep me from getting anything done...or i can deal. and so i'm dealing. i haven't cried since the plane ride home on monday. resilence isn't something people are necessarily born with, i think i'm just learning it as i go along. and it's becoming clear that i can't control every situation, but i can respond in any way i'd like. and so i'm not angry. i'm not sad, actively. and i'm also not hopeful in a foolish way. false comfort, that last one.

the other night, while i lay on the couch half-watching a science program ("journey to the center of the earth, part 2" or something) and nibbling on carrots, i realised that i'm alright. i have friends. good friends. people who love me dearly, whether i talk to them all the time or no, and the opportunity this year to contribute something to a field of scholarship i've read voraciously for years. and the only thing that'll keep me from taking advantage or being content is myself. there is not one person out there who can take credit or blame for my life and my choices and my emotional state.

aw. how sweet. i sound like i'm writing an essay for chicken soup for the cynical intellectual's soul that may or may not exist.

so, back to the reading, notetaking and time wasting that is my life.