the beginning of the year makes me keenly aware of how few close friends i have. everyone is excited to see me, and everyone extends invitations of "we should reeeaaaally hang out" (or, in the case of boys, "um, maybe, like, it would be fun to chill sometime? if you wanted...") and while this flatters me immensely, it doesn't quite ring true. and maybe these kids do mean it, they do really want to know me better and they do think i'd be a lovely addition to their friend-collections, but i never feel like i ever establish actual connections here. i'm either talking at someone or making someone laugh or halfway ignoring someone. me and my preformances. it was painfully obvious to me yesterday when i sat down outside with two boys from a class of mine. i made them laugh, told outrageous stories and skipped away before they could engage me in anything more substantive. maybe that's not entirely true, but it felt that way. my housemates are some small comfort, but sometimes arguments make me tired and often i feel like there's something i'm not entirely clued into. of course, these two have known eachother for years, that explains it easily, but a part of me still puts myself right in the middle of it. this year will be interesting as far as friends go.

i've over-extended myself. four classes plus thesis this semester. i'm a little bit crazy, i think, but there's no going back on my seven semester plan at this point. i want out of here. i would much prefer to get along with my life. get somewhere new. graduate school. slow myself down just a touch and absorb myself in something i care about. part of me wishes i hadn't fucked my ability to go to law school (oh, jail...) but that kind of regret only serves to clog up my momentum.

okay. i'm going to continue with my reading.