last week was a huge joke. went home to be with a friend whose father had died (also a cousin) and turned out to be a no help at all. she has a boyfriend and i suppose that's somehow better. i'm only vaguely irritated because i know everyone deals with grief in their own way...but at the same time, i feel more and more like that girl hates me. or hates the me she's convinced exists. sometimes i feel like an alien around people who have known me for a long time. it's like we all forget people change. no doubt i'm guilty of this myself.

my mother has gotten worse. she might have to go back into the hospital. in fact, she probably will. i hate seeing her act not at all like herself. i worry about her, and myself, when i watch her tearing out her hair and screaming about not one thing i can see. but, she didn't go to the hospital (rather, get taken) while i was there, which is good, because with my father out of town hunting dove (and like a friend pointed out, who hunts the international symbol of peace?!) i was the person who was going to have to call the paddy wagon up. charming existence i live.

okay, i have to get up and go to f-ing school. goal for today: print out applications. all of them.