today has been strange, moving quickly though i haven't done much of anything. the alone-ness i've got right now is starting to feel more like independence and less like lonliness. perspective, i think, is all it really is. if i focus of how shitty everything is: surprise! everything's shitty! i'm trying not to do that, so i'm spending plenty of time being quiet and trying to make sure i'm not twisting my reality way of whack, which i tend to do when i'm left ot my own devices and i'm also feeling depressed. i hate the way my depression comes in and out of my life. it feels uncontrolable, but i know it must be. i can't just let it dictate what i do and how i act all the time. i'd end up like my mother 9 months ago...and that's a scary thing.

in more exciting news...i went into a chanel boutique today and tried on one of those hot tweed short jackets. it was cream and had golden threads in it. when i looked in the mirror (size 34, if anyone wants to go ahead and get me an early christmas gift) i actually got lightheaded about how perfect it was. i wasn't really aware clothing could elicit such a phsyical response. i thought i might faint. the salesmen looked like they'd dealt with my kind before...and they pryed the jacket away from me before i got too glassy eyed.

i wish i could f-ing sleep. i haven't been able to in months, but i'm honestly (and surprisingly) sick of taking ambien and xanax and whatever the heck other downers to get myself there. so, here i am, watching scary tv shows about dead babies' fingers and rapists. neat, huh?