hearing decisive things is a little bit weird for me. i'm used to ambiguity and generalizations and broad topic sentences. this morning, james and i decided, decisively, not to speak any more. not until we can actually just act like friends. read: when i've forgotten about our relationship, or most of it. i suppose overwriting things like that takes time, and i told him so. i don't think i'll see him in new york, and i don't think i'll call him again this summer. at least, i'll try not to. i can't help how i feel about our breakup, but i can certainly control the way i react to it, from this point anyway. he's stated his position as clear as day:

we won't work. i will not function as he'd like me to for his life and i do not make him feel good.

that's that then. makes no sense to me, at the moment, i'm afraid.

it's been a ragged morning. i'd go back to sleep if i thought it'd make a difference, but instead, i think i'll take the hottest bath i can stand (my muscles are killing me, f-ing car accident) and study chemistry while deep conditioning my hair. sounds glamorous doesn't it? that's my life: deep conditioner and heartbreak and college textbooks. how original. i'd say i'm going to go throw up but that fits the whole stereotype i'm creating for myself a little too well. perhaps i'll just go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until i feel different than i do now.