there's so much here to photograph, moments to capture before they disappear. like my grandmother's lilting giggle as she raises her eyebrows to say something slightly off-color. we walked on hot sand today, and discovered a drowned deer. a doe, to be precise. how it got into the ocean is beyond me, but her eyes were wide open and my grandmother and i, at the same time, carefull walked over and sprinkled sand on her head. a burial antigone would have approved of.

i drove around those curves leading to this estate as fast as i could later, alone. 60 or 70 miles an hour, ignoring the signs that suggest 25 or lower. the gravel rolls under my tires and i can feel my car lose traction for a fraction of a second before it squeals through another twist. i know i'm close when i see the barn (or is it a home?) with the sunken roof and the mile marker number 4. then, 20 feet apart are the cautioning signs: road narrows, unpaved road ahead. just before the road turns to gravel i wouldn't dare speed on, my grandparents estate comes into view. huge trees (all named by my grandmother and her sisters, all of whom claim to speak to dogs better than they do people) and am imposing spanish house, nestled in alder trees and sharp smelling pines.

marta (abuelita) and my tia mari juana all went for walk on the beach, with cold sand freezing our toes and hot sand testing our pain threshold. we talked endlessly about love and what happy relationships were made of. mari juana's advice was slightly biased, as she's been maried more times than i have toes. but my grandmother said kind things to me. reassured me that if i didnt care to, i wouldnt have to. in fact, she said we culd through a party anyway, in honor of my singlehood. commitment to myself sounds just fine to me right now.

i just made half a million study guides for my chemistry test on tusday, and as much as i thought i should hate it, i secretly enjoy it. don't tell my dad, he'll get crazy medical school ideas. and lord knows i dont need anyone else making any god damned suggestins about the rest of my life. i'll figure it out. things will be work, and i'll be happy. i guess i'm just sick of being told i should "go where the money is" or look into some random field i have no interest in (geology was the theme today---surprising i know, coming from a family that made it's wealth on the back of south east asia's oil production.

my papa bill invited me to singapore. in the next few years. i'd love to go. he knows his way around, has so many friends still there, and i get tickly nostalgc when i think of the place, most likely because i spend hours upon hours as a child dressed in authentic chinese silks and slippers gazing open-mouthed at the photo albums. my dad so young. my mother younger. my grandmother more excited to have her picture taken and none of me. i was, as they say, just a twinkle in my daddy'd eye.

things are happening in me. i don't know what it is, but it feels strong.