Well. I am slightly hungover from that party at my professors. All those kids are so smart. Snappy things come out of their mouths and I worry, in retrospect, that I'm foolish. Of course, I know I'm not. Everyone laughed when I said funny things, and nodded when I said serious things. Both good signs. I gave enough complements and flirted ever so slightly with that boy who perpetually has a girlfriend, and as I'm the girl flies across the country to kiss the boy I love, he wasn't concerned and even smiled a little. All good things. And it's nice that I only feel self-conscious after the fact, because I hate freezing in social settings. like the girl with the cute shoes did. I feel for her every day in class, I can feel her wanting to speak and it getting stuck somewhere in her throat. It's painful for me, and no doubt much more painful for her.

I have started paying too much attention to what i eat. Specifically, the amount of food I eat. And this is bothersome, but also predictable, as I'm so used to funneling my stress into tiny numbers. Well, I think most days, if this is where I put my stress, so be it. Of course, that's entirely not okay in the long term, but when have I ever thought long and hard enough about the long term?

I'm applying for an internship in new york. And a grant from my school if I get it. Imagine, being paid to live in New York City and so research. Sounds like a dream.