I have had a strange several days.

Too much contact with Michael leaves me feeling drained and, again, like a judgemental awful human. He never did make me feel like much else. Well, I think I chased him off with my rudeness. For a while, anyway. In theory, I like him and his whole...persona. But in reality, he's not so saintly as he imagines himself to be. Of course, now I'm just repeating myself. I know all these things about him. And I have, for some time.

As for being far away from my heart, I deal well, and then he calls me drunk and slurs love at me. I only wish i wasn't instantly jealous at the mention of some girl he loved tonight (granted, said I was better) but what? I mean, what?! I should stop drinking coffee and take a bath and I'll calm down and when I talk to him tomorrow, I'm certain something else will have been said. And then I will feel infinitely better. I'm sure. Well. Okay, I'm not sure about that at all. But I hope. I hate feeling jealous. Wastes my time and energy and journal space and gives me a headache. No, wait, that was Kant.

I gave all my groceries to a homeless family, and I wonder how glad I should be that I have no food. (how awful is that? "YEAH! homeless people. I bet THEY want my food. YES! no food for me! How sneaky of me") Somehow, I like my home better without food in it. Sick-o. I just get tired of eating. Or maybe, I get tired of being stressed out about eating. I'm too old to feel this way about myself and my body and my food and my fucking over-analysed relationship with it. Getting over it is another matter entirely. It's become far too comfy a coping mechanism. Or maybe, just too easy for me.

Ugg, not what I want to deal with. And lord knows my parents ask every time they speak to me about my eating habits. Lindsay and her 84 pound self has put them back on high alert. But here i am again. Studying and rolling my eyes when I'm hungry. Living alone is amazing, I love it and if I'm not careful with it, I'll be back at I-10 and Bunker Hill talking about my feeeeeelings. Gross.

Clearly it is time for a snack.