i feel in between something. no, maybe my heart just aches in a strange way. there are a number of things that could be causing this, the most obvious being james's location on this planet compared to mine.

but there's something else going on too. michael is back. funny i should hear the news from ian. i'm not sure why that's funny, for even relavent at all, but it seems to be so. maybe because michael had such jealous-nonsense with ian last time i was here, and now ian says 'he looks good. real social and just good'. evil me wishes he was awful and growing cancer in his head. i should hold my tongue, anything can happen. the fact is, i feel michael in this city keenly. and i have since about 3 days ago. it freaks me out. makes me imagine him just knocking on my door, makes me want to beat him to it. i'm antsy. clearly, i'm not concerned about my romantic inclination towards him. that no longer exists. and hasn't for some time.

maybe i feel guilty for writing him such a hurtful email. or maybe i worry about how hurtful he'll be to me. or maybe it's just the anticipation of something unknown and uncomfy coming my way at 75 miles an hour in the dark.

either way. i wish james was here. i could use a real good hug. he's always so good about giving me just the right hug prescription. the right amount of tightness and breath on the ear for any situation. maybe i will call him. though i know we're supposed to be limiting this.

maybe he needs a letter instead. letter number 6, here i come.