Michael.

I've been wanting to scream and yell at you for a long time about a lot of things. So here it goes. I need to get these things out of my head and off my chest. You need to hear them too, I think. As you are directly involved in these feelings. Or caused them.

I have been angry with you for a long time. Since you cheated on me. No, before that. Since you began insisting that we had an open relationship. Insisting on your personal freedom at the expense of my self-esteem and trust and confidence. And yet, you always held on to me, reminded me that you liked me best (for now) and that we shouldn't break up, because this was great (for now) wasn't it? And that kind of limit was so hurtful to me. It broke my heart every time I didn't trust you, or every time I got worried, or every time I was jealous or felt awful about myself (because if i were somehow something more you would have wanted only me). And you helped me feel that way, by reminding me that jealousy was something i should be trying to overcome, and that the 'most evolved' kind of relationship was an open one. ahhh, personal freedom. in a relationship. just what i should be striving for.

And so i bent over backwards trying to deal with that, because i thought i was in love with you. And i think, honestly, you took advantage of my feelings for you, and my innocence and my utter fear of abandonment. I should have walked away from you when you fucked some woman you met in a bar. In a bar. How hurtful was that? Hurtful enough that I was still crying over it a year later. Not any more though. And it was all just your fear of attachment and commitment. And you did that less than a week after we had a mindblowing time in houston together. How twisted.

And now you're with Fiona. A girl you said wasn't "very smart" or "very pretty" and had a "funny shape". For christ's sake michael, i can see very clearly in my own mind what you're probably doing to her. Taking advantage of someone you don't think is as inteligent as you are (same problem with me, wasn't it? Wasn't as smart as you. Still had a lot to learn compared to you. But you enjoyed that. You got to teach me. Inform me. Feel superior to someone. You'd interupt me in class, in private conversation, in front of my friends...because you honestly felt i was someone to teach. And you fooled me. I thought this was true. And you know? it's not. not by a long shot.) Someone younger. Do you explain a lot of things to her? LIke you did to me? You enjoy that kind of thing a bit too much. Honestly, I feel sorry for Fiona. And any other woman you get involed with until you grow up and out of this.

And honestly, I don't think I will be your friend. And I don't think I want to be. I've thought about this long and hard. And honestly, I don't think I like you as a person. I saw you for what you were very clearly about 6 months before we actually broke up. Maybe 4 months. I was sitting with Ashley in Commons and I looked up and said, "Ash, I dont think I even LIKE him anymore". And I burst into tears. Because it's true. And Ashley took me to her room and made me tea and told me that was okay. That sometimes you learn so much about someone that you just stop liking them.

And I've learned enough about you that I don't like...that it has made me stop liking you. I don't think you were good for me. I think you were downright cruel sometimes. On purpose. I think you made a point of controlling me and my actions. Just another way to test your "power". It was sick. And it hurt me a lot.

And I didn't even realise it was hurting me. I believed there was something wrong with ME the whole time. I was always trying to fix myself so you wouldn't disapprove of me and my feelings anymore. And you watched me struggle with myself SO hard, and you let me. You hurt me and then watched as I struggled to make things okay, and that just made me hurt more.

When did I realise how much you'd hurt me? When James came into my life. He loves me. And he doesn't want anyone else, because my feelings mean something to him. He doesn't think he's better than me, or smarter than me, or that i'm so much less mature than he is that he has to explain things to me. He doesn't make me feel insecure or stupid or controlled. I'm hardly ever jealous, and does nothing to encourage those sorts of feelings. He just loves me. And it doesn't hurt. Novel isn't it? Love that doesn't hurt. Yes, he yells sometimes. But at least he doesn't invite me over his home and then, when we're in bed, naked, ask me to go home, in the rain because he needs "space". At least he isn't passive aggressive about everything. Thank god he doesn't accuse me of benig anti-semetic. He's honest, to his very core. He yells because that what he's really feeling. I never had a clue how you were feeling. I only knew whether or not you liked me at that moment. And honestly, when I look back on it, I think you were frightened of me. Didn't like what I have inside myself. Because Michael, I'm a fucking amazing human being. I have talent and a good heart and amazing friends and people love me.

So. No. I do not want to be friends with you. I hope that you'll also respect the fact that i don't want you auditing any classes I'm taking next semester. You're presence is not good for me. I understand that now. And I want you to also. I don't imagine that you'll own up to any of this. As far as you're concerned, you're a god damned saint. Fronting virtue all day long. It's not an acceptable way to live. But honestly, I don't care if you fix it or not. I'm not going to be around to see it. I don't want to be. You've hurt me, and in order to completely heal myself, and my self-esteem, I need you to stay the hell away from you.

This is harsh isn't it? If you've gotten this far, you're probably thinking I'm a horrible bitch. But I'm not. This is just my side of things. Didn't get much of it while we were together, did ya? And I'm sure it's hurtful. But then, so is being completely helpless in a relationship where someone is supposed to "love" you.

I do not need a response from you. I can already imagine it. You'll tell me you love me and that space is okay. That you're sorry I felt that way, and that you're sorry for whatever part you played in it. And that you and fiona are different. Uh-huh. Well. Whatever to all of that. I don't hear that you've changed, in your emails or on the phone. You've still not learned to accept personal responsibilty for anything you've ever fucking done. And that's sad. And it's even sadder because we were together for so long, but really our relationship was so diseased that I don't see the point in trying to keep up some friendship to make both of us feel okay about the things that happened. Because honestly, those things aren't okay at all. And they never will be. Nothing will make up for that year and a half. Remember that, whenever you stop fronting your squatter-saint virtue and learn to accept ownership of the things you spill into the world by acting out your own insecurities and sickness.

Maggie Rose