hey darlin,

i'm sick and today has been just a mess. let me recap: i was rude to a bank teller (they wanted like 36 forms of ID and to take 5 dollars from me because i wasn't a customer of theirs. i said no way.) and i yelled at a man for checking me out. in the same bank. i've been itchy and stuffy and not-at-all-happy all day. my father says "if i hear you say, "I'm so annoyed!" again I'm going to hang myself". all this being sick really put me in a foul mood. charming, i'm sure.

and so i watched a couple of movies and ate cold medicine and kiwis the whole time. And now...well, i think I might be high. Can you get high on cold medicine? My first clue that i might be high was my completely improved mood. i feel so...sweet! and really, all i've had is cold medicine.

and so i called you. and it's prolly best that you aren't there, because lord only knows what i'd be saying in a "real time" conversation. really, i feel that crazy. it's nyquil i tell you. that stuff is magic. pure magic.

hey, seriously though. i do feel all heartfelt and stuff.

or something. anyway, what i'm actually going to type to you is that i'm sorry about last night, and i'm going to try and be more mature (maturer?) about this whole far-away-love thing.

at base, we are friends. and we gotta act like it.

i'm gonna try not to push yer buttons and get you all riled up and all of those not-so-sweet things i do when i'm stressed and having a stupid day. funny, we've both been having a lot of those lately.

i think things will even out. one way or another.

honestly, i hope we dont have to break up and get all not-talking for a while. but, really, i just want the both of us to be happy campers. with eachother or someone else or whatever. granted, i would die of jealousy, but in my heart of hearts i just want james to be the happiest boy on the planet. and if i can't help you feel that way, then...well...too bad for me.

is this coming out correctly?

let me try another angle.

i'm scared. like if you decide against me/us/whatever...then i've been invalidated as a human. and i'm really f-ing scared of what that might feel like. so part of me wants to jump off a clifff and part of me wants to pretend you don't matter a lick to me at all ("i dont neeeeed a man" insert sassy snapping hands here) and part of me just wants to curl in a ball and cry until you feel bad enough to pick me/us/whatever.

there. i admitted my great insecurity. that if you say you dont want me, then i won't ever ben wanted by another soul and that i will hate myself through and through.

getting down to the nitty gritty aren't we?

okay, this is starting to feel like therapy. i'm going to take a deep breath before i type any more. feel free to do the same.

alright. the truth is, i feel awful crappy lately. and i know you're dealing with an awful lot too. and i just kind of wish we could talk about it (but over the phone is lame and you have school until the cows come home) and besides...maybe we both need to figure things out on our own and regroup later. is this so? i think it might be.

perhaps i don't even have to send this letter. in fact, this might be a journal entry waiting to happen. under the guise of a letter.

oh, i'm TOO crafty.

Okay, going to put this inmy jouuurnal and going to edit the final product so that it is viewable by the boy. most likely, that will mean...just grammar and punctuation. because that kid knows me to a tee. or so it seems sometimes. like he's got my number down. just wish i felt that way about him more often. ah, i do when i'm with him, but this far-apart-on-the-phone-not-looking-at-his face thing is wearing on me and my nerves.

ahhh...i've got to learn some f-ing self control. i cry too easily and let myself get carried away by my damned emotions all day long.

working on that rationality my father says i need to find.

hey wouldn't it be funny if i sent this to james just like this?

i think so.

el fin.