Oh, that collision in the train station was so nervous (only two days ago!) and we talked so carefully, hopping around eachother, wanting to kiss and touch and shout. But we waited, both of us acting like parodies of ourselves. He admitted he was nervous, but I feigned calm, even while my hands shook the cigarette I held.

Now, he's at home, playing his guitar and we're spending the first moments apart since he got here. We get along so well. I think it's that our senses of humor are so similar that all we do in laugh. In between laughing and kissing, there's no room for anything but whispered "i love yous". he said it first, by the way. He said it first. And he means it. And i don't quite know if I mean it yet. But i do. But, well, it's so complicated. Michael is still in my head, though not so much in my heart (thank goodness) and he keeps me from trusting the way I want to. I know I can trust James...but my heart shudders a little bit at the thought of being thrown so perilously back into something like this.

I suppose she'll have to keep shuddering. I am moving in with him. that make me squeal with delight on the one hand, and also grow wide-eyed with fear on the other. Where am I trapping myself? There's nothing i fear more than a cage for myself. Not one thing. trapped-ness for me is worse than death. I imagine that's where my depression last semester came from. feeling trapped by my love (and hate) for michael and his wandering heart. I severed that tie, mostly, and now I'm about to plunge back into it. I hope James is better to me than that. I hope I'm better to him than i imagine i will be. I'm not the most careful girl when it comes to the hearts of others. I'd like to be that careful. But i'm too selfish. Far too selfish.

Alright, breakfast is in order.