two long phone conversations, james this morning and hunter 2 seconds ago, makes for one tired tearful maggie (greta). Smoking cigarettes doesn�t make it much better either.

I don�t know what it is about both these people, or me, that makes �em so unsure of me. Certainly, I�m unsure. But listening to them both voice their own (opposite) insecurities makes me much more solid in my (always (flighty) decisions. How could I not want to be a lover/housemate to either of these people. Don�t ask which applies to which anymore. I haven�t a clue anymore.

Lonely girl.

Being all bymyself makes me very nervous. Though sitting bymyself in this hotel room makes me feel it keenly. I don�t know why I imagine it in the future tense. I�m going to get �home� to the vegan house and unpack and wonder about my next semester, and not have one person to call who will know what I�m talking about. Who even knows I�m both in love and in new york and in love in new york and in love with new york and..jesus. I�m nothing but trouble. This is why my father hates me lately, I think.

What a depressing journal entry. Not continuing with this train of thought; too easy for me.

In the cab on the way home I knew this city was for me. My hand lazy out the window, the cab driver speaking hindi either to me or his radio and my heart beating against my chest, always. I�ll move here regardless. James might stop speaking to me, and hunter might give up on me�but I think that I�ll cry and then I�ll find housing and a job alone. And then there won�t be any phony-ness about it. Just a heart alone in a big city. And while that may appear at first appear to be as depressing as the first four paragraphs (well, three paragraphs and one sentence fragment) it�s awful romantic. I imagine I�ll drink a couple of beers at night and type on my computer and make bizarre, not-so-talented art while looking into a brick view. And, somehow, that might make me comfy.

Mollie says I�d make a good new yorker. This is something I�ll treasure. And regardless of everyone, I�ll be fine. Father included. Who knows what will come with next semester. Though, I think I do already know. Hunter will decide to live with me, and it�ll be excellent, and james will kiss me until he can�t stand it, at which point I�ll be leaving this city for green (rainier) places with more heartbreak per square block. Portland is like that for me, one heart break after another. Nothing but trees, heartbreak and well cared for sidewalk. I ought to sleep and think about all of this on my planeride �home�. I think that planes are the best places to hide one�s face and tear up. I do it almost every plane ride. My ears popping is almost an instant sob for me. Feels about the same on my insides. Pressure change, I suppose.

Lord have mercy. I hope that michael doesn�t get home before I leave. Too much too much too much. Remember, you told james you wouldn�t kiss other boys until you figured out what he was about. And I think, for once, I�ll keep a deal I make (with myself) and see what goes on. I like him. And christ do I like his city up here. Excellent, an Ani difranco song to brush my teeth to. How apt. oh maggie maggie maggie. Sleep and stop crying for 15 seconds.

I dug a tar-y key out of the sidewalk this evening. i think it's for james.