two days on a plane and about 8 or 9 hours straight looking for a place to live that doesn�t squash my (dad�s) budget has left me awful tired. Beat, in fact. Simply beat.

There�s a lot that�s cinematic, or writer-ly about new york city, but it seems like I won�t say really what I observed, or do what I�ve seen justice at all. My favorites so far: mariachis on the subways, little seeds from trees that look like tiny green stars on the deck we sat on and drank beer, and honesty with hunter. He�s a good kid. My crush on him is comfy, and I�m vaguely accepting of the idea that we�ll never hook it up, at least that I can see. And if we�re living together, it�s for the best, no doubt (saving face, anyone?)

Mollie was excellent today. Her family and friends are just what I imagined. She�s good people. Golden girl, I swear. There aren�t that many people I�m insta-comfy with, or, I recently noticed, who do not yell at me. I certainly am yelled at a lot. Scolded mostly. Man, I just want to be doing my own thing. This finishing school deal is a crock, in my mind. I just want out. And on my own and doing my own damned thang. Oh, I also like Mollie becayse she doesn�t ask questions about things I only references kind of obliquely. Makes her a keeper, she�s not around for gossip. And lord knows, parts of my life could certainly come off that way in some circles (most of them).

And the FOOD here is beyond! I know everyone else knows this, but the damn bagels are out of this damned world. I wonder if I can fit here. Maybe I know I can. I need a phone book and I need some resumes. I�ll get a job. Hopefully an amazing one with a fundraising company, if not, one that paaaaays some of the bills. I might skip classes all together and save money. There�s no reason to drive my family into debt. He does cry poor an awful lot, I�ve stopped knowing even how much money my family has. Somehow, I know we�re good, but not how good. I can never gauge what�s going to be acceptable. Ever.

So, here I am absorbing the day, preparing myself for brooklyn searching tomorrow, and wondering if this is all the right decision for me. Though, I imagine that things will work out perfectly. A apartment breifly in nyc would be good for anyone. A job, no classes, and plenty of time to plaaaay in the city. Really, I see myself riding my bike at all hours and buying hiphip music with my paychecks. Maybe.

What kind of jobs am I willing to take? Advertising, Fundraising, event planning�all assistant jobs. Lower end would be restaurants. I don�t know how one goes about this in new york city. Hell, I�ll work telemarketing if it�s not entirely selling my soul. I�m just too flighty, according to hunter this is my problem with my father. My observation is that he just wants to stop footing the bills already. Doesn�t hurt my feelings nearly as much as it ought�because I feel the same way. I want to independent, or on my own two feet as much as I can be. College can be pure torture as just weird middle ground where I feel protected but utterly worthless at all times.

I hope that this james light event doesn�t become�a situation. I don�t want to have to handle it. Really, I just want to see what happens myself excluded. I�m curious about how he feels about me, how far he�s willing to see this go, and who even knows how far I see it going. I just know I�m curious. He�s a human I want to know well. There aren�t many of those either, in my life. All the beautiful touches aside, I like his insides, they�re awfully much softer than he pretends with his outside sarcasm and irony. Tougher at times than I expect. Speaking of being tough, hunter blew my mind this evening over dinner. He does that pretty reguarly. I think he does have things pretty together in that head of his. Still, with all that, I think it will take one special girl to understand his�deal. Moody is hard. Hardest thing I�ve found in a relationship.

Over drinks tonight, I wanted to tear up thinking about michael. I�m so far from that right now. But I miss it in such a tender way. My problem is that I�m looking for someone I can keep around for the long haul. Or maybe I�m looking for something, not necessarily a person, I can keep around for the long haul. I need to find that in myself. I already know this. But I don�t quite know how to do that. Oh siiiiigh.

Another thought, maybe, 45 minutes later: I think I�m scared of the same things my dad is. He�s worried I�ll disappear into some relationship, only to emerge less than myself or �behind� or something. I tend to agree. I�m so flighty, I just get an idea and run with it until I hit a brick wall, at which point, I find a new idea. And man, these ideas of mine are everywhere. I could do a million things, and admindst this confusion and depression, I think I�ll come out on top. Everything just needs to flow right. I need as little crazy drama in life right now as possible. I need to really foooocus. But only on the next 4-6 months. I think I can do it. Job, fun, bits of found beauty and love every instant. There�s where I�m moving to, a place where I can stretch.

It�ll have to work. I�m feeling very serious about this. New york has taken my heart and run. Now I get to ramble around for months looking for it. I�m into it .